How To Use Your Toaster Computer

So you have a toaster as a computer. This sucks! How will you be able to handle the inability to do anything effectively and efficiently? Well, I know this pain, too, and I have some workshopped strategies that will help you continue to do the best you can!

First, make sure you use it for what it is: as a toaster. If you produce tons of a toast, you’ll actually have something that’s worthwhile. You can even share your toast! People will be like, “Wow, he (or she!) can’t watch Netflix, but my goodness, the toast is on point!”

You can also use it for other things than just toasting! Have a toaster laptop? Use it as a coaster to hold your favorite beverage! Is your toaster held in a tower? Gut the sucker, and use it store something useful like books! You can also use it for tossing (especially as a frisbee if it’s a laptop!) or for exercise (a mid-sized tower makes a great exercise ball!). Be creative! You have to be to work around the restrictions of this horrible machine you’ve most likely inherited!

Now, at this point, the lay person may cry in anguish, “Gut my computer! But then I won’t get ANY work done!” You are creative though! Now that your laptop is holding your drinks for you, you’ll need to start hand-crafting your work. Use your computer to make reports? You’re gonna be hand-drawing beautiful graphs and doing lots of long division. Remember: you only get points if you show your work! You’ll also need to start remembering how to send memos, as you won’t be able to access or send email. The best part of this is that everyone will need to start remembering the old ways to accommodate your new communication style!

While you keep your computer doing other things, you should also reinstall AIM so that while you’re no longer using it, your computer can start conversing with the bots that now only exist. Of course, you won’t be able to get the latest version of AIM now (that thing’s dead), but you can try Skype or MSN Messenger, maybe even IRC if you’re really nerdy. Let your laptop evolve and grow stronger by absorbing all of the malware possible. Then, you can have conversations with it while you work. You’ll never be lonely again!

Hopefully with these tips, you’ll be able to use your toaster! And if none of these work for you, you can always keep it on in the long, frozen, winter months under your bed, keeping you warm as it mutters incoherently to the other IRC bots that everyone else has long forgotten.