Spam: A short review

I was helping my friend, John (who happens to blog here, in case you were wondering!), move from Texas to Tennessee, and one of the things he was moving was a huge block of Spam. Now, I love Monty Python, and I love this sketch:

But here’s the thing: I had never had Spam… UNTIL NOW.

So I’m gonna review it on four criteria that I just made up! Is it worth it?

the setup

Albeit, nearly finished meal.

The Spam I had was for breakfast, featuring herb-infused toast, over-easy eggs, baked beans (because Monty Python), and Spam. It was a pretty hearty breakfast meal, and at the end, I had a nice refreshing glass of milk.

The Setup for this Spam was great. I give it 8 out of 10.

The Presentation

I gotta say though, Spam itself is ugly as hell. It’s just this block of ham or something. I can’t recommend its looks at all. Perhaps it needs to be dressed up, with a nice, edible Versace suit. Then, it’ll look dapper as you chow into its porky goodness.

The presentation of Spam is poor. I give the Presentation a 3 out of 10.

The Aroma

Spam smells like pork! It’s great!

But seriously, Spam has a robust and full smell, rather than bacon, which seems sharper and pungent. It’s a great smell. I give the Aroma an 8 out of 10.

The Makeup (it’s like texture)

It’s very firm pork. It doesn’t bow down to you, it just stays there and says, “No, you shan’t tame me, heathen.” It’s kinda overkill, though. I wish it were a little more tender. The Makeup is gonna be a 6 out of 10.

After all those S.P.A.M. markings, let’s look at the most important thing: The Taste.

The Taste

Well. It’s really salty. I can’t believe how salty it is. On its own, I don’t think Spam is edible. But man, when I combined the eggs (yolk especially), the baked beans, and the Spam, then it was something to behold. The baked beans took away some of that overpowering saltiness (and I wasn’t even losing a match in League! Editor’s Note: This is gratuitous as hell.), countering with a refreshing sweetness. The egg yolk added a nice balance to the whole thing. All combined, it was a very balanced taste.

By itself, the taste of Spam kinda sucks. It’s a 5 out of 10. When it has friends, it’s so much better! 8.5 out of 10.

The S.P.A.M. aggregate is Setup (8) + Presentation (3) + Aroma (8) + Makeup (6) = 25/40 = 6.25. Then, with my totally arbitrary formula continued, I’ll act like Taste is worth two parts, so I’ll double it.

The math for Spam alone: 8 + 3 + 8 + 6 + 5 + 5 = 35/60 = 5.8

The math for Spam complemented with breakfast: 8 + 3 + 8 + 6 + 8.5 + 8.5 = 7

In the end, my verdict is clear: If you’re gonna have Spam, don’t listen to Monty Python and have a bunch of Spam by itself, pair it with some nice unsalty stuff.